Saying goodbye is rather easy...

Lately, I have been feeling very unattached to people in my life, I have experienced a break-up from my ' Best Friend ' and people that were once dear to my heart, but I feel nothing. Its quiet odd for me not to have any feelings on the subject, there's no rancor or a feeling of abandonment. When did I start feeling this dissociated from the people that mattered to me? I may be building walls around me again, Its almost as I love to be in the spotlight but hate to deal with the background. I spend most of my time alone now, mixing music, reading up on Psy, school or at the GYM. On the flip side I have begun to repair a friendship with Danny, Eddie ( In which this one is very tricky since It seems he always wants to get back together and I just cant do that to myself.. I cant be his shadow ever again )and Raul.

Maybe I will snap out of this and have a sense of wanting to belong to something or maybe this will open me up to something new and exciting for my own personal growth? Who knows at this point, all I know is that something is missing.

Wont settle for anything but butterflies.....

Ive been seeing this cycle that has been a re-occurring theme in my relationships. The theme that I loose interest in the other person or better yet that they cant seem to sustain my interest.I have been feeling a bit forced to try and work on these problems because I have dated some great guys but after the chase I am usually done and want to move forward. Guess I shouldn't force myself, when its time for me to be ' In love ' it will happen organically. It was fun while it lasted though.

On brighter news, I have finally achieved my perfect tan '

When the past isnt the anchor necessarily, Circa ( 2005- 2008 )

I was going through some online photo albums tonight and found pics from my ' Eddie ' phase, although this phase has been placed in the back of the closet where the patented leather belts reside I couldn't help but notice how I looked but more shockingly how I dressed. I cant even begin to understand what was going through my mind as I look at myself, let alone how I must have been in the relationship, If I was able to forgo so much of myself where was all my attention going? Regarless it just looks like it was one unhealthy mess, just looking at the pics remind me of it.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A Police man, then I dated them and they are all assholes. So i guess I missed my mark

Ask me anything

Im Bionic, Baby!!

Just wanted to place my newest remix of Christina Aguilera's title track 'Bionic ' I am hoping to be able to rework this mix when I get the acapella and can properly work on it. Hope you enjoy my attempt at making a ' circuit ' type mix


http://www.zshare.net/audio/7808426053d04621/

Three outfit changes, two beers and one EX

Yesterday was the 4th of July and I alongside two buddies of mine went to the happening ' pool party ' which wasn't too far from my house ( always a good Idea ) there was an interesting mix of people that I have known for at least two years and some further than that. I had text'd my ex in seeing if he would be going ( not that ex, try someone back in Oct- Dec 2009 ) and he said he would be there. Well I haven't seen him since we broke up and I guess it was the alcohol but we had one of the most interesting conversations that we ever had and we discussed the reasons why he broke up with me.. stemming from the fact that he didn't think I was serious about ' us ' and that we didn't communicate. Well it seems that this is always the same reason that the 'good one ' slips through my hands. X told me not to dwell on it and that I responded to the relationship the way I did cuz maybe I wasn't interested, I don't know but It was great seeing him and felt great talking to him. Guess its safe to say that I give the people that don't matter in my life the importance that they don't deserve and the ones that do I don't.



Well, I did manage to get my Speedo on and rocked the hell out of it, felt good.

Summer lovin'

So Ive been having a pretty crazy Summer, and as always I keep on saying I will update this blog more often but you know what ends up happening. I am taking a witting course at SC and feeling very Carrie if I may add, I have begun looking into what will I start wearing this season. I have gotten some looks that I have begun using and think that I'm going for a Late 40's summer look incorporating some vintage Gucci and some tighter silhouettes. I have also started dating someone, its all still pretty fresh and low-key. I will say that he is amazing, has a great family and I'm excited about it. He is the type of guy that you look for but rarely find, I have a great feeling about this one, and the fact that we haven't kissed yet is pretty badass.

Good on paper but loose morals

A few weeks ago I had been talking to an older man, that seemed to fit all requirements that I am looking for and since I was thinking of going back to dating I though that I should be picky on the subject on who I date, not that I haven't been picky already but well you get the idea. He seemed to be a family guy, educated, funny, and had a great body so I gave it a shot, little did I know I would be stuck in an episode of ' Sex And The City 's ' The Princess and the Pee ' If you aren't familiar with the episode we'll just say that the ' perfect ' guy Carrie is dating has a fetish with Urine, well mine dealt with having sex with food and a case of a middle aged 30 yr old thinking he was 21 and at his sexual peak. Needless to say that was where I have to draw the line, I could over look a lot of things but when someone is still trying to find themselves at that age and don't care to make themselves look like Im not one to stick around for that. Im thinking its pretty rare to find a guy that will have respect for himself, Im all up for ' sexual liberation' but then again you thread on a thin line of just looking like a tramp and that look isn't coming in for summer 2010.

Stanza1

What you gave me, I know you gave me. You remind me all the time And how you hurt me and you never saw it...Again I am the child. Though you tell me that you love me I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down. It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong. I was tired of walking on eggshells so terrified to fail And in order to please you I had abandoned myself. Though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way.

How I wish you, you suffered less too It tears us both apart And it’s not pretty the way you criticized me And how it breaks my heart. And though you tell me that you love me I can’t feel it. How I wish you knew, how much I needed you, I felt like running but I can’t abandoned you. You avoided my gaze, withdrew from me those days.
You punished me for trying to be all that you wanted, What more can I do?

Beating the hell out of Rihanna

I actually remixed and finished a song, not since the break-up have I done such thing. Its a dance, tribal-inspired version of Rihanna's ' Photographs ' song. I love the lyrics and I think its the perfect ' I miss you ' song to the ex. Let me know what you think of it....

http://www.zshare.net/audio/7646442073487892/

Where I want to be

Its been a while since my last posting, the reason why I have taken a step back on posting is simple. I'm working on my next steps.. a lot has changed since my last post, I am now a ' singleton ' broke up with Daniel back in early May, have been applying for a masters program back at USC. I haven't been feeling too down, but If you know me then you are well aware that after any break-up I always step back and re-work on myself. I tend to give, and give in most relationships ( few, actually.. I am being honest) this time I really don't know what was the cause besides us living pretty different lives, different social structures, and what united us was a love...I loved the person that he was around me and how I became when I was around him, gone was the ' ego ' that I had manicured so perfectly as my shield. I liked how to a point I was waiting on him, guys usually do this to me so a man that could do that and still have my attention was a fresh of breath air.


And the music is still in my blood, I'm just not inspired at the moment to do anything. Which is a shame since there is so much that I wish I was working on or at least being able to touch. My thing with that has always been that I dont want to feel ' forced ' because then I may start loathing it and then well that would be the end of that song.

I will write some stuff soon, I promise and maybe a song...

The matter of the heart.

With the anticipation that I have been feeling over the past few weeks about me turning the big 30...I really couldn't have anticipated any of it.

I feel I'm in a cross road not only professionally but with myself. Lately I have been becoming the person that I have wanted to become but in the way I've been hurting alot of people in the process, people that I love dearly. Have I been acting out due to the fact that they are right or am I tired of being the nice understanding guy? What is known is that Ive changed. It's been almost a battle within myself to choose right, or to nearly just follow my heart. That is where I think lies the problem...the matter of the heart.


Switching topics, I had a great birthday ( April 20th ) and I know many of you celebrated it aswell ;). Had dinner and drinks with the boyfriend and bestie in Weho. It was great to have a day where people from my past where remembring me in a nice way. I just wish that my father would have remembered.

Below you will find some pics of my Bday. Until next time



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