In my head...

So, as many of you know I own a motorcycle. I got it right after I was accepted to USC and was going through a difficult time in my personal life. I usually spend my free time in the Azusa Mountains with it, riding it and learning how not to fall on it. SO... yesterday, I was really bummed, I spent the holidays alone and was just thinking and just stuck in a daze I guess. As I was taking off, I decided not to wear my helmet, since I am trying to be comfortable enough with the bike.... long story short, I feel off of it again when a car almost side swiped me. I'm aiight, my arm is messed up and I messed up my head again. Needless to say It wasn't the worse part of my ' holiday ' I'm just glad to be back at work. Below are some of the pics, I took after I rode home, WITH MY HELMET.

but thats the chance...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEPiHSqEMSA

Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight.
Only the lonely know this feeling ain't right.
There goes my babes there goes my heart, they're gone forever, they're so far apart.
But only the lonely, know why I cry, know the heartaches I've been through.
Maybe tomorrow, a new romance, no more sorrow, but that's the chance.
Only the lonely

memories come and run....

I had decided a few days ago, that I wasn't going to blog about my ' thanksgiving ' but I'm bad at hiding my feelings and this shouldn't be one of them. As far as I can remember I have always loathed the holidays ( yes, even Xmas ) I can only remember two thanksgiving dinners that were special ( one year my mom actually made Turkey, and last years when I was surrounded by my second family in L.A ) and the rest werent anything special , and this year is really no different. As I write this, I can sense families getting together, laughing together, toasts being made, and children running around having a great time. Since I woke up today, I have been getting wonderful emails from everyone wishing me a ' Happy Thanksgiving ' and also asking me what I am thankful for, this has caused me some type of reflection, I am very thankful for my family, even though I'm not around them as much as I would hope for, I'm thankful they are my family, my mother's memory, my job, thankful for being able to still be able to feel even though its usually heart pain, its still a feeling and it reminds me I'm still alive. I don't want to keep writing because I sense that my pre-packaged ' dinner ' might be getting cold in the microwave. I just realized that this post has taken me over an hr to write, and over 1o songs have played in the duration of it.

There is beauty in release...

I know its been a while since Ive written in this mutha, but have been swamped at work, and with the holidays fastly approaching and contracts ending, its been a mad house. Anyways, so to the weekend, I finally went to a straight club on Saturday night, and I must say it was a pretty good crowd, of course I used the whole ' I'm a writer and writing a piece for this club line ' that got me some pretty good lead way with the staff and owners, needless to say that even got some some free drinks. The thing is I was documenting some experiences for an upcoming article on how gay guys are treated or looked at, in trendy straight clubs/bars. I'll have some more info on this as soon as I can.

Sunday, I did something very crazy, but something that I have been dying to do for sometime. I signed up to the ' AIDS LIFE CYCLE 09 ' The trip will be from SF to L.A and its a 545 mile trip, that will be from May 31 to June 6. I am currently forming a team, probably for my Org or for loved ones' that I have lost to this disease. I will begging training for this right after Dec 1st ( my world is all over my event ) so then I shall have some free time, and I think school will also keep me busy. Just wanted to let you know whats going on, and that I will be my warning cuz, you know Imma hit you guys up for sponsorship. Its almost 7 p.m, and that lets me know that my 12 hr day is almost ending...lol

A huge hug to all of you, and will write in this mutha later, oh.... yea BTW ' HAPPY THANKSGIVING! ' please save me some pumpkin pie ;-)

I'd do it again, again. Wildflower pt 2.

So, about two years and some months ago, I wrote one of my best works and most personal poems to date , entitled ' wildflower, you are ( work in progress )' for ****d, as I was going through some of my works, I found it and It still holds true to the feelin' and love that I have. I wanted to rework it, due to the fact that It wasnt current enough and my feelings werent that mature. The love has always been there ( and always will be ) but the beauty in life is that we all grow, and begin to see life in a diffrent light.Even at our most darkest period can become our most profetic, so here is my newer edit.

* My beautiful brown eyes, I always told you that forever you'd be my wildflower.

Showing up wherever beauty's had lost its way, from early on, I knew that my heart would break , in all your beauty your heart must have been broken. I was free until I heard the song you sang me to me. Pulling me away from everything I knew, Id do it all again, in a heartbeat, just to be with you. Everything I ever knew faded away, although your smile will forever be etched into my heart. Every time you left it hurt me so, I don't know why It did, now I know we're free...Free to fly. There we were burning faster than the closest star. Falling back down to the Earth in our own realm, we fell, along the way I fell in the ditch. I love you so much at times that I think this wound will never heal. In that ditch you will find me, standing at the bottom , hoping and waiting for you with my arms stretched open wide. I'll whisper softly to you to come inside And everything I've known will again fade away. Its a fact that when a wildflower grows, always picks its space .And that's the way its been since the beginning of time, you chose me, and chose when. This was when nature became a force greater than myself it played its lovely hand. One day I will understand everything. Everything.

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream...

Good afternoon!


Ive been wanting to say that for sometime, but every time I post something I always end up posting it at night, so I guess you figured out that I am a nite owl. I just got to work, and have been in talks with a certain magazine to follow my hijinks L.A. Ive been pitching the story around and they seem interested, I cant say much, but I hope it goes through. Also thank you so much for all the emails that I received about my last post, I was just so tired and feeling as though I was about to crash, Ive been dealing with work as though I live to work, not the other way around. Lets see that the future holds.





On Tuesday, I was invited to an amazing Birthday party for my good friend Xavier, at The STANDARD in Dtw L.A. I had never been there before, but was actually amazed at the view, and how comfy the place was. I arrived there right after 8 p.m, the place was packed with the wall street type guys, all in suits and women with a sophisticated flair, which kind of made me miss my old hang out in Lakewood. Inside was the Birthday boy with all his friends, very nice guys, and very chatty as well, but the fact that I wasn't drinking and straight out of work made me wanna talk and talk about politics and OBAMA, and you know how I feel all about that. Needles to say that by 9 p.m, the drinks started coming my way and I wasn't looking back. I ended up leaving the party by Midnight only to be re-directed to Circus, seems that I had almost forgotten to meet up with the guys, and they werent taking ' no ' as an option, so there I am getting home, at 3 a.m, only to be awoken at 7 a.m for my meeting. ARGH!





Today is my only ' chill day ' until Sunday afternoon, I am taking my nephews out for lunch on Sunday afternoon, so I'm excited about seeing my babies.

**** NOTE: I wanted to answer some questions about this blog.

1) The titles of the post's are usually saying, lyrics or stanza's that I'm working on, thinking about or remind me of the event. I'm not crazy ;-)

2) The poems are a way of telling how I'm feeling that day.

3) And don't forget to comment on anything.

Dont want to feel the pain, what good would It do me now

So, Its 10:20 p.m, I'm just getting home, haven't been here since Sat night. If I say I'm tired will I be seen as weak? Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug? I feel like I may be burning myself short, Ive sold myself short, so why not this? Been feeling like I may need a rest, but then again, feel that I am at a great part in my life where I can go anywhere, so why not take this road?

That should be suffice for my whining for the rest of the month, glad that's over with ;-)

I had a pretty hectic weekend, did some light shopping, visited my nephews ( took them to Chuck. E. Cheese , and bought both of them toys. Being with them only makes me wanna have kids, but all in due time. I finally got around to see ' Zach and Miri make a porno ' I thought it was good, but the love story really killed it for me, I know me being the romantic that I am actually said that.. ha! I don't know but I really wanted to see Seth Rogen nude ;-(.

As I write this I'm going over the meeting that I had for the Latino No on Prop 8 committee that is forming... very excited to be able to be a part of this up coming national campaign, so I am working on my notes and what I will present to my colleagues tomorrow morning, and getting ready for a B'day party @ The STANDARD, and then I have to go to Circus and work. So If you see me tomorrow, don't be shy and ' holla at cha boy '.

One thing I will say, and this will be the last thing. Being at the meeting was odd, not because of my stance on the ' NO ON PROP 8 ' but because, for a brief second I thought I was going to my old house in L.A. I had just given my speech, and glanced at the clock on the wall, it read 9:40 p.m, my first reaction was ' damn, I gotta tell E****d, that I will be getting home late.. then, It hit me. I looked down, got my case, shook hands and was on my way out, felt a lil surprised by my thinking, I must admit.

Last Night A DJ Saved my life

So, last night I was invited to the Bienestar AIDS gala ( Latino Factory 5 ) being held at the Mayan theater in Downtown L.A. Being that this was one of the last fashion events of the year I didn't hesitate to attend, at the VIP ticket was even better. So I arrived with my Best friend Danny, Joe, Jesse, Ricardo, Alex, Anthony and Edgar at around 6:30, after I ran around my office changing clothes and I was actually surprised that the evening went off without a hitch.
I was excited to be in a room full of L.A Fashion glitterati and I welcomed the exchange that I had with several people there that recognized me from my magazine column ( Carrie Bradshaw, all the way ;0-) ) and had a great time meeting people and just trying to be social, which wasn't hard at all, Ive always thought of myself as being a social misfit, and being very shy and withdrawn from people, I know.. I know. But maybe I found my set of people or I'm just finding out that I can be comfortable in my own skin, it must be an age thing I guess. Needles to say the event was a great fun, met many people that I had lost contact in over the years and found a lil part of myself, fashion, music, friends and alcohol, the only thing that was missing is my plus one to walk with me and take pics with me.. but until I find my partner, I am pretty happy with my best friend and crime partner.
Here are some of the pictures of the event, sorry I'm not more poetic or deep, but Ive been SO tired since last night. Have a great weekend!!!!!!!!

Phone

You stopped picking up the phone,

Guess you know its me

And this little masochist think's that he is ready to confess

All the things that I never thought that he could ever feel start coming out.

Nothing has been the same

Thought we both could use a friend to run to, then again I was never the one you ran to.

I thought I wouldnt have to be with you as something new.

Sometime's I breathe you in. I know you know

Sometimes you take a swim in my broken heart, found your name all on my wall

If my heart is soaking wet, then we know that your shoes can leave a mess behind.

Thought I knew myself so well, all my mind stuttering left me behind.

Your apocalypse on my heart was great, for a man who couldnt choose between Mozarella Cheese or Panela.

Your not picking up the phone , guess its clear that youve' moved on.

This little masochist Is lifting up his shirt, I thought I could never feel the things I feel and will feel.

Thought we could both us a friend to run to...

I drove alongside...

Ive been wanting to write in this mutha for a few days now, but have been busy with work and life. First some good news, I'm a published author, getting my motorcycle license in the next few weeks, and will be back on the USC campus to get my B.A in liberal Arts next year! and after 2 years, one of my dearest friends Lourdes is getting married, I just found out this Wed, during our ABBEY run, she is also moving to NYC and best of all the wedding will be on Dec 27, in PARIS! so, I know I better start packing ;-).

Ive also started to work some more on my next article and what direction I want to go with it, and the path I want to take my readers in, and of course I need to take a better pic, one that doesn't make me look like an escort!. You would never believe how many offers I got from it, and I have to admit some did boost my ego. I think the most awkward part of it all was showing the magazine to my family I was a lil hesitant to show them, I mean they have seen me half naked before but never in print, they were supportive and very happy with my new ' job ', so I was pleased. Last night I had to write a ' get to know me ' piece and I honestly felt that I was writing a personals ad, some of those questions were a bit out there, I mean Ive seen it all but they even made me take a moment and think about. I will be posting them when I get them back, as for now, I just want to relax and unwind from such a hectic week, and not to mention last weekend.

The picture was taken when I got my hair ' did ' before barely making my plane this week. I look sooo tired, but its all in a days work ;-)

Oh, and I had floor seats for Madonna.

While the time slipped away...

Images of broken photographs, dance before me like a millions eyes,

and call me on, and on.

Get so caught up in you everyday

Trying to keep it all together

While the time just slips away.

I know nothing last forever

there is no tomorrow

I cant see your face, when I wake up anymore.

No limit to my sorrow.

This means nothing If I don't say something before it all goes away.

Don't wanna wait to bring you flowers, waste another hour....Let alone another day.

I'm gonna tell you something, show you something...dont wanna , won't wait till it's too late

Just a simple conversation, a moment is all it takes.I want to be there just to listen.... I wanna be there.

And I don't wanna hesitate. Did I put it off for too long?

I didn't say all that I had to say.

Should have taken the time to make it right before the wrong won, then I got to this place.

Babe, Just lean on my shoulder It's not over till it's over.

Don't worry 'bout it cause I'm gonna make sure our bond gets stronger.

I didnt want to wait until the storm, something was wrong and now you're gone , I can't find you. Imagine my sorrow.

Losing, I am but not Lost.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost.
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse
I just got lost in every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...
You might be a big fish In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come a bigger one
And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off,
Just becuase Im losing, doesnt mean I am lost.