The circle

This year has been quiet a defining year for me both professionally and romantically. Professionally I was betrayed by the job that I held in high regards and parted ways since I didn't want to be associated with it, since I know that sooner or later they will be shut down for the wrong doings but I found my true calling with some determination and having God on my side I was able to make the best of the situation. Romantically I found what most people spend a lifetime looking for, love. His name is Cesar and he alone has turned my world upside down, broke down walls and made me believe in Love once again, that and he put a ring on it.

With that being said, I hope that next year brings even better things and this past year has taught me to always be true to yourself and theres no shame in asking for help when you need
It. Something I have always hated to do. Just wish my
Mother was around to see this phase of my life but I know that she is smiling from Heaven above.


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Take care my love, she said ..don't think that God is dead. Take care my Love she said, you have been loved.

She takes the back road and the lane
Past the school that has no changed
In all this time
She thinks of when the boy was young
All the battles she had won
Just to give him life

That man
She loved that man
For all his life
But now we meet to bring him flowers
And only God knows why

For what's the use in pressing pamls
When children fade in mother's arms
It's a cruel world
We've so much to loose
And what we have to learn we rarely choose

So if it's God who took her son
He cannot be the one living in her mind

Take care my love, she said
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love, she said

You have been loved

If I was weak, forgive me
But I was terrified
You brushed my eyes with angels wings, full of love
The kind that makes devils cry

So these days
My life has changed
And I'll be fine
But she just sits and counts the hours
Searching for her crime

You've so much to prove
And heaven helps the ones who wait for you

Well I've no daughters, I've no sons
Guess I'm the only one
Living in my life

Take care my love, he said
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love, he said

You have been loved

Cheers, I'll drink to that

This weekend I'll find myself moving in with the boyfriend, its a joyous occasion. I feel great about it, and the relationship...Im actually myself and dont have to try and be the saviour. and well I love my Cesar.The last time I moved in with someone I had so many fears and doubt mostly because I wasnt sure of it and felt it was the natural thing to do with someone I was dating and was in a fully commited relationship so why not do the next step and live with the person, right? wrong. I know it was all for the wrong reasons but this time I will try my best at not making the same mistakes that plagued.


Im also very thankful that I have a new and amazing job, Im back with the County and happier than ever.Ive alienated a few people, deleted many more but its all for the right reasons.

Love you but its not enough

Wakey wakey rise and shine
It's on again off again on again
Watch me fall like dominoes
In pretty patterns
Fingers in the blackbird pie
I'm tingling
It's what you feel not what you ought to
What you ought to,
Reasonable and sensible
I guess I'm stuffed, lost
We thought you had it in you
But no,
For no real reason

Squeeze the tubes and empty bottles
I'll take a bow,
It's what you feel not what you ought to
What you ought to,
The elephant that's in the room
Is tumbling, tumbling, tumbling
And duplicate and triplicate and
Plastic bags and


Exactly where do you get off?
Is enough
Is enough
I love you but enough is enough,
Enough of that stuff
There's no real reason
You've got a handful of feathers
You're gonna melt ,
my heart was already melted at your hands

Lotus of Dreams

Lovers, keep on the road you're on
Running, until the race is run
Soldiers, you've got to soldier on
Sometimes even right is wrong

They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day, we are gonna get out

Tonight maybe we're gonna run
Dreaming of the Osaka sun
Dreaming of when the morning comes

I can't let go
To the sea I offer
This heavy load

Locusts will
Lift me up
I'm just a prisoner
In a reign of love

Locusts will
Let us stop
I wish I'd spoken
To the reign of love

Reign of love
By the church, we're waiting
Reign of love
My knees go praying

How I wish
I'd spoken up
Or we'd be carried
In the reign of love.

Past Mixes

Had a lot of love all around for my remix of Rihanna's ROCKSTRAR 101. Its a fucking amazing remix with a more Rock attitude and badass guitars





http://www.zshare.net/audio/80107741072be9d7/

















Another great mix that was played over the weekend to great response




http://www.zshare.net/audio/79782079f3c2e5a2/

Feelings that Im trying to dig

Ive started to place myself on some race to try and find as many things possible to be able to occupy my time. I have a full schedule with school, Kickboxing, Boxing and weight training, and Ive also started to work with more music, and I also have someone that is occupying a place in my heart. Ive started seeing a guy, normally I date and don't really...I don't want to use the word ' not care ' about them but It does seem like it. Well, this guy I am beginning to develop feelings for and it reminds me of the way I felt about Eddie, I'm finding feelings that are arousing. Its not a sexual connection, although he is very much my type, its a bit deeper than that, just wish I knew how to control my feelings and not have them be that of a teenager.

Saying goodbye is rather easy...

Lately, I have been feeling very unattached to people in my life, I have experienced a break-up from my ' Best Friend ' and people that were once dear to my heart, but I feel nothing. Its quiet odd for me not to have any feelings on the subject, there's no rancor or a feeling of abandonment. When did I start feeling this dissociated from the people that mattered to me? I may be building walls around me again, Its almost as I love to be in the spotlight but hate to deal with the background. I spend most of my time alone now, mixing music, reading up on Psy, school or at the GYM. On the flip side I have begun to repair a friendship with Danny, Eddie ( In which this one is very tricky since It seems he always wants to get back together and I just cant do that to myself.. I cant be his shadow ever again )and Raul.

Maybe I will snap out of this and have a sense of wanting to belong to something or maybe this will open me up to something new and exciting for my own personal growth? Who knows at this point, all I know is that something is missing.

Wont settle for anything but butterflies.....

Ive been seeing this cycle that has been a re-occurring theme in my relationships. The theme that I loose interest in the other person or better yet that they cant seem to sustain my interest.I have been feeling a bit forced to try and work on these problems because I have dated some great guys but after the chase I am usually done and want to move forward. Guess I shouldn't force myself, when its time for me to be ' In love ' it will happen organically. It was fun while it lasted though.

On brighter news, I have finally achieved my perfect tan '

When the past isnt the anchor necessarily, Circa ( 2005- 2008 )

I was going through some online photo albums tonight and found pics from my ' Eddie ' phase, although this phase has been placed in the back of the closet where the patented leather belts reside I couldn't help but notice how I looked but more shockingly how I dressed. I cant even begin to understand what was going through my mind as I look at myself, let alone how I must have been in the relationship, If I was able to forgo so much of myself where was all my attention going? Regarless it just looks like it was one unhealthy mess, just looking at the pics remind me of it.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A Police man, then I dated them and they are all assholes. So i guess I missed my mark

Ask me anything

Im Bionic, Baby!!

Just wanted to place my newest remix of Christina Aguilera's title track 'Bionic ' I am hoping to be able to rework this mix when I get the acapella and can properly work on it. Hope you enjoy my attempt at making a ' circuit ' type mix


http://www.zshare.net/audio/7808426053d04621/

Three outfit changes, two beers and one EX

Yesterday was the 4th of July and I alongside two buddies of mine went to the happening ' pool party ' which wasn't too far from my house ( always a good Idea ) there was an interesting mix of people that I have known for at least two years and some further than that. I had text'd my ex in seeing if he would be going ( not that ex, try someone back in Oct- Dec 2009 ) and he said he would be there. Well I haven't seen him since we broke up and I guess it was the alcohol but we had one of the most interesting conversations that we ever had and we discussed the reasons why he broke up with me.. stemming from the fact that he didn't think I was serious about ' us ' and that we didn't communicate. Well it seems that this is always the same reason that the 'good one ' slips through my hands. X told me not to dwell on it and that I responded to the relationship the way I did cuz maybe I wasn't interested, I don't know but It was great seeing him and felt great talking to him. Guess its safe to say that I give the people that don't matter in my life the importance that they don't deserve and the ones that do I don't.



Well, I did manage to get my Speedo on and rocked the hell out of it, felt good.

Summer lovin'

So Ive been having a pretty crazy Summer, and as always I keep on saying I will update this blog more often but you know what ends up happening. I am taking a witting course at SC and feeling very Carrie if I may add, I have begun looking into what will I start wearing this season. I have gotten some looks that I have begun using and think that I'm going for a Late 40's summer look incorporating some vintage Gucci and some tighter silhouettes. I have also started dating someone, its all still pretty fresh and low-key. I will say that he is amazing, has a great family and I'm excited about it. He is the type of guy that you look for but rarely find, I have a great feeling about this one, and the fact that we haven't kissed yet is pretty badass.

Good on paper but loose morals

A few weeks ago I had been talking to an older man, that seemed to fit all requirements that I am looking for and since I was thinking of going back to dating I though that I should be picky on the subject on who I date, not that I haven't been picky already but well you get the idea. He seemed to be a family guy, educated, funny, and had a great body so I gave it a shot, little did I know I would be stuck in an episode of ' Sex And The City 's ' The Princess and the Pee ' If you aren't familiar with the episode we'll just say that the ' perfect ' guy Carrie is dating has a fetish with Urine, well mine dealt with having sex with food and a case of a middle aged 30 yr old thinking he was 21 and at his sexual peak. Needless to say that was where I have to draw the line, I could over look a lot of things but when someone is still trying to find themselves at that age and don't care to make themselves look like Im not one to stick around for that. Im thinking its pretty rare to find a guy that will have respect for himself, Im all up for ' sexual liberation' but then again you thread on a thin line of just looking like a tramp and that look isn't coming in for summer 2010.

Stanza1

What you gave me, I know you gave me. You remind me all the time And how you hurt me and you never saw it...Again I am the child. Though you tell me that you love me I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down. It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong. I was tired of walking on eggshells so terrified to fail And in order to please you I had abandoned myself. Though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way.

How I wish you, you suffered less too It tears us both apart And it’s not pretty the way you criticized me And how it breaks my heart. And though you tell me that you love me I can’t feel it. How I wish you knew, how much I needed you, I felt like running but I can’t abandoned you. You avoided my gaze, withdrew from me those days.
You punished me for trying to be all that you wanted, What more can I do?

Beating the hell out of Rihanna

I actually remixed and finished a song, not since the break-up have I done such thing. Its a dance, tribal-inspired version of Rihanna's ' Photographs ' song. I love the lyrics and I think its the perfect ' I miss you ' song to the ex. Let me know what you think of it....

http://www.zshare.net/audio/7646442073487892/

Where I want to be

Its been a while since my last posting, the reason why I have taken a step back on posting is simple. I'm working on my next steps.. a lot has changed since my last post, I am now a ' singleton ' broke up with Daniel back in early May, have been applying for a masters program back at USC. I haven't been feeling too down, but If you know me then you are well aware that after any break-up I always step back and re-work on myself. I tend to give, and give in most relationships ( few, actually.. I am being honest) this time I really don't know what was the cause besides us living pretty different lives, different social structures, and what united us was a love...I loved the person that he was around me and how I became when I was around him, gone was the ' ego ' that I had manicured so perfectly as my shield. I liked how to a point I was waiting on him, guys usually do this to me so a man that could do that and still have my attention was a fresh of breath air.


And the music is still in my blood, I'm just not inspired at the moment to do anything. Which is a shame since there is so much that I wish I was working on or at least being able to touch. My thing with that has always been that I dont want to feel ' forced ' because then I may start loathing it and then well that would be the end of that song.

I will write some stuff soon, I promise and maybe a song...

The matter of the heart.

With the anticipation that I have been feeling over the past few weeks about me turning the big 30...I really couldn't have anticipated any of it.

I feel I'm in a cross road not only professionally but with myself. Lately I have been becoming the person that I have wanted to become but in the way I've been hurting alot of people in the process, people that I love dearly. Have I been acting out due to the fact that they are right or am I tired of being the nice understanding guy? What is known is that Ive changed. It's been almost a battle within myself to choose right, or to nearly just follow my heart. That is where I think lies the problem...the matter of the heart.


Switching topics, I had a great birthday ( April 20th ) and I know many of you celebrated it aswell ;). Had dinner and drinks with the boyfriend and bestie in Weho. It was great to have a day where people from my past where remembring me in a nice way. I just wish that my father would have remembered.

Below you will find some pics of my Bday. Until next time



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Hiking with my babes

Yesterday after a long day at the office, I wanted to hang out with Daniel...usually I work out with him at the gym but admist the loud people, the music and the reps I feel I dont really get to enjoy him as I should. After work we headed to Whittier's Turnball canyon where we did the trail, and what a workout it was. Ive done this trail many times before but never with someone I was dating, it was great to sneak a few kisses here and there and hold his hand while going up. I feel I got to know a diffrent side of him. All in all a great.

Keep on talkin

As many of you all know I havent been updating this baby as much as I should, well atleast I have posted my new Ke$ha mix for ' Blah Blah Blah ' its a tribal and electronica fusion remix of it and as always, comments are welcomed


Ke$ha Mix of ' Blah Blah Blah 'http://www.zshare.net/audio/743959390c36449f/

When did you mother pass? How has the impacted your outlook on life as a whole?

She passed in 2001, and It made me want to make her proud which I still try and fulfill

Ask me anything

My Job.

I've always thought my job was to wake people up. But, it's not enough just to wake people up you've gotta wake people up and give them a direction. You gotta wake people up and give them tools about how to deal with life. You've gotta wake people up and give them solutions...Otherwise, they're gonna fall back asleep again

you make me shine, you make me feel...

Im in a very beautiful time in my life right now, everything just seems to be falling into place and I feel the smile as I wake up in the mornings. I have made it a point that I wouldnt really expose my ' love life ' but I just had to post this picture. Hope you guys are having a great day and I will upload some music Ive been working on.

Freedom

I saw the train comin' for me with the force of a million marching
I felt the eyes of so many, the whispers and shouts about my belief in us
I see the cloaks on the judges, flaws in the judgement, beast in the dungeon that dont scare me And I'll say it on a mountain, say it all in public, hold a press conference to speak about my freedom.

I flew away this morning, what if I ran away and never came back
And all of the fame means nothing, it's all a game and the gladiator just won't win
And I see cloaks on the judges, flaws in the judgement, beasts in the dungeon, don't look scared to me
And I'll say it on a mountain, say it all in public, hold my head high, I'ma speak about my freedom

guyswithphones....

So last night was a bitch weird, so weird in fact that I still cant believe it. I didnt go to my usual gym ( Downey ) because I like to test other gyms and spice up my routines. Since I came from work, I had to use the locker rooms. At first as I slipped off my pants, I noticed a dude close to me holding up his phone, I thought that what he was doing what I enjoy doing.. yes, taking pixs of MYSELF at the gym...never thought he would be taking pictures of ME in my underwear. I thought that I was just acting crazy and that he wasnt, it was until I was talking to my workout buddy that It was fact, that homeboi had taken pixs of me in the locker room. WTF! I cant believe someone had the balls to do that, I dont even raise my eyes to make contact with people as they change, let alone EVER think of doing that to someone's privacy.

Happiness

I have to admit that I had one of the best weekends in recent memory. My nephew Matthew had his baptism and turned 2 yrs old and I was able to bring some special people within my family. I think I'm at a great place in my life where things seem to be falling into place and the pace other things are I really couldn't ask for more. This weekend brought me some clarity on and I'm very happy to see where love will lead me, I've been getting a few emails asking me about my love-life and I have decided to not make it a part of this blog. Believe it or not when I'm dating someone I like to keep it private since alof of my life is all over the place,matters of the heart tend to make me wanna shield that part of me. I will say that I'm happy and loving the smiles.


I have been working on a few new parts of music and soon will be updating the blog with some demos that I have been working on, I am trying to find a new sound since most of my music has been ' club music ' and I find myself more and more time at the gym I have been influenced by alot of Rap and Rock so I've been working on that.

Gym: I am now benching 290 lbs, and I'm happy I only have 10 lbs more to go to reach my 300 lbs goal. I also started boxing on top of kickboxing, and will start taking Jacob ( my nephew ) with me to the ' kiddie gym ' this Saturday for weight lifting class...I love it!!!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

And I feel, like I just got home

Below you will find some songs I have recently messed around with.. hope you enjoy them,
Madonna vs Beyonce and Gaga ( two people that need a vacation, badly )http://www.zshare.net/audio/711237744b11ea60/

Oasis ' Wonderwall '
http://www.zshare.net/audio/71258737f926a4b2/

The wind through my hair...

This weekend I really just laid low, I've been in a funk mood lately where I dont want to be around people. I have been spending time at my usual spot the gym and then jetting off to go hiking. In my solitude I have decided to get back on a motorcycle, besides its been almost a year and a half since my last accident and I think I have finally learned that I need to wear a helmet, at all times. I want to feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins again and having the wind go through my hair as I speed towards the sun.

2009, my year back at the Gym.

One thing I can say with great honesty is that 2009 was the year that I stepped back into to the gym and began to get the body that I have always wanted. As the year came to a close I managed to spend countless hours working out on how my body would work with the routines, and even up to this day Im still learning. I weighed myself on New Years day and came in at 212 lbs ( started at 186 lbs without muscle ) went from a size 15 1/2 dress shirt to a size 17, Small T-shirts to XL large shirts. Im loving where my body is headed and very proud of myself. This pic was taken on January 1st 2010 ( 5:45 p.m ) Whittier Preserve. Even my face seems fuller, now if I can get my butt to get bigger ;-)